Hi, I’m comedian Mark Humphries. Normally, I try to make light of Australian politics. But something happened last week, which was so offensive and ridiculous that I couldn’t find anything funny to say about it. Senator Eric Abetz suggested that legalising same-sex marriage could lead to people marrying the Sydney Harbour Bridge. I mean, it’s simply farcical to suggest that anyone would want to marry this… Oh my god. I’m comedian Mark Humphries and I want to marry the Sydney Harbour Bridge. It had never occurred to me to marry the Harbour Bridge I never thought about it. Until I heard Eric Abetz raise the idea and then I thought “Yes. That makes sense.” I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’d always wanted to f*ck it but I never thought about marrying it. Honey, I’m home! The courting process was a bit rough. I mean, it cost me a f*cking fortune in tolls. But um… I wouldn’t change a thing. Have we had our dark days? Yeah sure. Recently I found out she was selling her body… to tourists. But she told me to ‘build a bridge and get over it.’ She loves that line. I’ve heard all the arguments. You know, “God created Adam and Eve not Adam and The Golden Gate.” It’s just hateful. I’m just lucky to have some really supportive friends. So we’ve been engaged for over a year now. But we’ve decided we’re not going to get married until humans can marry bridges. And that’ll never happen because that idea only exists in Eric Abetz’ weird auspol sex dreams. So um… I guess we’re never getting married. Look, we spoke about this. Mark wants us to wait. I’m just grateful that the same-sex marriage debate has already reached this low point of people are talking about relationships with bridges. I wasn’t expecting people to be talking about human-bridge relationships until like week three of this debate, so um… Thanks, Eric!