How To Rebuild Trust With A Child That You Have Yelled At In The Past

This topic keeps coming up because we as
parents keep yelling at our kids. When that happens, how do you rebuild trust
with a child you feel that in the past? We’ve been running some positive
parenting coaching groups. And this has been so much fun for me over the
past several weeks is I get to work with you, personally, individually in these
groups. I’m getting more stories all the time. -Right, yes. -And and it’s the same
story with different phases. We as parents get frustrated. We yell at our
kids and then we feel bad. -Yep. -For having for having
yelled. I had Jonathan in a group recently who’s the unseen dad just
feeling badly that he had lost his temper with his little three-year-old
daughter. And she’s so sweet, right? But didn’t she’s also 3. -Right. -So, she’s
going to do typical 3-year-old things. We have a 3-year-old grandson. -Uh-huh.
-And he’s sometimes doing very typical 3-year-old things. Which for us as
parents can be kind of frustrating. Anyways,
Jonathan was expressing this on the group the other day. He just felt so
badly and he felt like he was a bad parent for having done it. -Yeah. That
happens a lot. -Jonathan, if you’re listening, I want you to know you are a
good parent. You are a benevolent, loving kind father. And you’re human. -Mm-hmm. -So,
it’s going to happen occasionally. Thankfully, many of the people in our
group are also reporting, “Hey, I’m not yelling as much now.” Because once we
connect with principles, we’re able to stay in a higher level of control over
our own emotional life. And so that’s encouraging but maybe that’s where we
start. -What are the
principles? Let’s talk a little bit about those principles to help us. -Well and
remember that you’re human. So, give yourself a little bit of tolerance
and forgiveness as we move forward with it. Now, the principles behind this how
about… I’m not sure how to best word this. Humility comes to mind. If you are
humble what do you do after you’ve hurt someone?
-A sincere apology. -Right. Okay, so we can do that as parents? -Yes,
matter of fact, I love this. Because we need to teach our children how to engage
in sincere apologies. And sometimes, we need to talk it through. Okay? I was
reading once in a book fairly recently about if there is a you know somebody
hurts somebody out at the recess or something. -Yeah.
-Rather than saying you need to go apologize to them, we’re going to give them
a chance to kind of think through their feelings and say “How do you think that
your actions affected that person? What do you think needs to happen now?” And so,
you kind of help them come up with that idea that I need to apologize. You as a
parent can do the same thing. You know, “When I snapped at you, I imagine it
really kind of hurt your feelings might have made you feel anxious or scared or
whatever.” You know, kind of talked through it. -So, you’re modeling empathy? -And you’re modeling empathy and you’re
saying, “In order to make this right, I’d really like to apologize. And tell you
that I don’t like it when I do that and I’m sorry that I did.” And so, your modeling
how to apologize and you’re apologizing. -Right. And please don’t spoil it
with 1 of the 2 most common spoilers of an apology. -But…. -But you deserved it. -You
shouldn’t have done this or that. Okay? Or being insincere. That’s the other spoiler.
“I’m sorry. Gosh!” -Yeah. How many of us have had
children apologized that way? And I think that’s one of the reason instead of
telling a child to apologize, you actually help them see what would have
to happen next to help them, your friend or your peer sibling
feel differently. You know, change the way. And you’re going to do the same thing. So,
if you can go through that with yourself, you know, “What do I need? I really crummy
about this. I can tell my child is sad. What needs to happen?” Walk yourself
through it and then walk them through it. Go ahead and be sincere and avoid any
exceptions to the apology. Let the apology just be there. There’s going to
be a chance to reteach this principle that was broken probably that caused you to
be upset. We’ll come to that. Now, Megan. When you asked the question,
this came from one of our viewers, okay? How do I regain or rebuild trust with a
child after… Here’s the thing: Your child will not trust you if you are
not being authentic and genuine. No kid expects their parents to be perfect. I
mean, sometimes they do but we lose that pretty quickly. When we find out our
parents are actually human. They are not going to trust that you’re always right.
They will trust you to make mistakes and then make an appropriate apology. So, what
we’re talking about here actually builds trust because you’re showing them a real
person. A human being who has weaknesses. Own it. We’ve covered this in some other
videos too, Vicki. But I think it bears some repeating here. Would you just give
us a quick overview of the do-over concept? -My favorite parent tactic. -Love it.
-So, the do-over is exactly what it sounds like. And experience came up. Like I.. You
know, I yelled at my kid and I think, “Ugh! I hate the way I feel. I don’t like his
reaction. That wasn’t good. I want to do over.” And it’s okay to go up to your
child and say, “I would like to do over. When you came and said this, here’s how I
wish I would have responded.” Now you’re doing 2 things in that. You’re showing
your child that you’re human and you want to improve and you’re showing them
how to be humble and to change the trajectory. I mean how many of us get on
the wrong road. If you just decide, “Well, I got on the wrong road. I’m just going to
stick with it.” You know, we’re on the wrong road. Let’s show them how you
change trajectory. Because in our life, we’re going to have to do that a lot. But it
also gives you a chance to practice a different response. You know, a lot of the
times, our response is just kind of immediate. You don’t even really think
about it. It’s like you just go straight to irritated. -Right. -And so, you think. “Oh, I’m
going to do that better next time.” But if you’ve never practiced doing it better,
you’re probably going to respond the exact same way next time. -Right. -So,
do-over actually gives you a chance to change some muscle
memory and practice “When you said this, here is how I wish I would have
responded.” And now you’re practicing it so you’re more likely the next time
situation comes up to respond in the more intentional way rather than
reactive way. -I love it. And that concept of practice, you’re doing it with the person
who needs not only to have a different experience with you but you need to
practice a different response for. We can have these conversations in our
coaching groups or in our private coaching sessions and you can say, “You
know, I wish I would have said this. And you can practice it with me.” That’s not
the same as practicing it with your kiddo.
So, that do-over is a powerful strategy. I love it. Right along with the do-over
concept, Vicki, I think is a practice opportunity related to consequences in
discipline. Because honestly, when we’re yelling at our kids, we’re usually
frustrated. They’re probably misbehaving. They’re breaking some of the
rules or expectations that we’ve set as parents. Well, as we discussed in other
videos, one of the things we have to do is get better at consequences. When you
are good at stage one consequences, then stage one behavior won’t tip you over.
-Right. -If you’re wondering what I mean by stage 1, get into the Parenting Power-
Up course where we talk about that in detail. And there’s also a video here
called teaching kids responsibility. You can go see that video here on our
channel. That’s where we get into the details. But basically our frustrations
come when we don’t know how to handle this child’s behavior right now. -Right. -So
get better at the consequences with a calm voice, calm face and calm body. You
are in control as a parent. And that takes some practice. -And you’re going to
practice that. You know, I have a real vivid memory of one time being upset
with one of my kids. We’re in the car, he was in this car seat. And I remember I’m
driving down the road and I’m realizing that my eyebrows are just like this. And
I’m thinking, “I’m going to hang on to it just a little longer…” And then I finally
is like, “I’m going to relax my eyebrows.” And I was
ready to turn around and have a different interaction with my son and
he’d fall asleep. And I just remember that I kind of missed that window. And so
I had to try to find a different one. But just get that calm face. Become aware of
what face you’re projecting to the child. What voice you are projecting to
the child. Just be very aware of that. And maybe be a little more humble to me
about changing it faster. -That’s so funny. I can remember times when I’m thinking,
“I’m just going to be mad a little longer.” Right? How long do you want to be upset?
And do you realize that you have something to do with it? This brings us
back to where we maybe should have started. -Yeah. -What is your job as a
parent? -Just focus on loving them. -Love them no matter what and even if. Kids
don’t keep. Really. I mean your kids turn into your teenagers and your teenagers
turn into adults. And where did your kids go? Now, all our kids are gone. -Yeah. -All of
them. Gone. We have young adults that we really love. And some of them live in
their own homes now. -But you’re focusing on the love. That doesn’t mean you’re not
still showing up as a parent. But you’re focusing on the love and let that love
drive your actions rather than the anger or fear or frustration. -There will be a
time in the future when you will wish that you could have these years back. At
least for a moment. And I’ve talked to parents sometimes in tragic situations
where their child has died or they’ve lost them. And they wish that they
could have that misbehavior again to deal with because they would prefer that
to not having their child. And that’s a perspective thing. And I don’t want to
end this on a downer note. But that’s an important perspective. Children don’t
keep. Pay attention to the relationship. Your job is to love them no matter what
and even if. We’ll help you with the other stuff. Hey, I mentioned during that video
that we do these group parent coaching sessions. That has been so cool. Hasn’t it? -it’s
been fun. -We’ve seen some real breakthroughs. And
the place you can start with that because we would love to engage you in
that process. Start with a breakthrough call. You can do that in the link down
below. Just check out DrPaulJenkins .com/breakthroughcall.
There’s a link down there. That’s where you start. It’ll take you right to our
scheduling page and we’ll get you live in-person with one of our coaches. we look forward to seeing you on the inside. you

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