The Bridge Tongues


Uh, yeah, I’m still just a bit on edge. Can you inject some apathy? Ah, yeah, that’s- that’s it. Just- one more milliliter in the back of the neck. Yeah, much… much better. Thanks… *Microphone feedback* Hi, uh… Hello. Yes, uh, thanks for coming, uh… thanks to the speakers so far… So, if your mental projectors are working, can you just turn them on now, please? *Intermittent static* Right, thanks, so… I’m here today to talk about Earth history- uh, this is- oh, uh- holiday photos… Ah- ancient historical footage… Ah, there, there we are. So, we’ve all heard of a bridge tongue before, have we?.. No? Well, that’s a linguistic term. Uh, it was basically a language spoken by our ancestors, that you could use to talk to anyone about pretty much anything, and yes, I know, that sounds ridiculous. But these were… savage times. Originally, every language was a bridge tongue – uh, this is one of the most widely spoken bridge tongues for a while on the mother planet – “Anglish”. Now, obviously, today one speaks the language of the bubble they’re born into – uh, here at the Galactic Council of Pointless Academia, we speak Academish, uh, politicians speak Polijistics, uh, meme warriors speak Spicy – but back then language, uh, the bridge tongues – they were multi-purpose. You could speak to anyone at all. Uh, a ludicrous idea, of course… This is one dead phrase we found in the bridge tongue archives; now, it means something close to “that doesn’t make sense”, or “that doesn’t follow” – see, people who didn’t agree on contentious issues actually used to socialize together back then. Sometimes the two of you could bring up these viewpoints without calling each other total pieces of shit – uh, barbaric times, I know. We refer to this as the Pre-Bubble Era. Now, the history buffs among you will know that social media changed a lot of this, and- S-sorry, is that a question at the back? No, it’s… it’s alright, I- I do speak Software. *Trumpety beeping* Ah, our digital friend asks what people did before dedicated communication bubbles. Well, it’s strange, because… when the global net was born, people thought it would make conversations easier to have, and we’d actually reach conclusions on things – how to live together, which movies were better, etc. – that mankind would naturally develop a global wide sense of concern for itself, regardless of opinions about current events, and… Thank God we put a stop to that, eh? Now, thanks to what was called AI it became possible to exist in entirely separate, digital bubbles from each other, eventually, without ever having to encounter points of view one might not entirely agree with. This is, of course, the best way for a civilization to flourish – all differing opinions never having to encounter each other because, as we know, humans can’t think for themselves, and haven’t been doing so for thousands and thousands of years now. Most of you, presumably, have an account with the galactic social platform, Spacebook©, free to use now for four centuries, the only requirement being that you submit your bank details, blood type, an entire DNA profile to Spacebook© Incorporated, but… we know from the social media graveyards of old that there was a concept in the bridge tongues called “privacy”. Now, I promise, I’m not shitting you here, but… back then they sometimes preferred not sharing everything all the time. There are even reports that sometimes people watched fireworks, and… felt no need to film it. Fucking idiots. Stranger, there was no social rating, so… if you met someone, it was impossible to know what public opinion of them was, and you had to actually judge the contents of their character – it’s hard to imagine a bigger waste of time than that. Now, some more common expressions in the bridge tongues that we found. Uh, my personal favorite is this – uh, I believe it’s pronounced “I don’t know”. Back then, it was actually possible to admit one didn’t know something about the world. Luckily, we’ve removed any possibility of this from our specialized languages today. “Sorry” – that was another ancient word. We’re not even sure what that one means – it sounds like it might be an artificial sweetener. And finally, this arcane figure of speech: “I don’t agree with your opinion, but it’s fine that you have it.” One struggles to even imagine an attitude more backwards than that. Truly, our ancestors must have been living in a dystopian nightmare, surrounded by people with different views, and somehow still managing to get along with each other on a daily basis, or even communicating with people we disagreed with, using the now dead bridge tongues. But luckily, as the scope of the global net was widened, it became possible to contain more and more differing viewpoints, and one could live an entire lifetime without ever having to encounter someone one disagreed with, bringing us into what we now call the First Bubble Era. Thankfully, we have now eliminated all languages capable of connecting people with differing points of view, fractured communication to the point that humans now essentially live in their own walled-off realities, and ensure that no one need ever change their minds regarding anything ever again. Now, if you’ll please stand for the human galactic anthem. Yeah, yeah, just inject a bit of galactic loyalty… Ah, that’s much better. Thanks, thanks… ♪ Music begins ♪ cunts *Music fades* ♪ Music resumes ♪ *Music briefly stops* *Music fades* “Hey, what’s that? You have a new book out?” “Tell me more immediately, Exurb1a.” Well, since you asked… 😉 It is called The Fifth Science. It is 12 short stories about humans spreading out into the galaxy, building an empire. It goes on for a hundred thousand years of human history, right up until the point that we go extinct. It is about technological gods, and misery, and falling in love, and how to make non-conscious things conscious, and why teleporters are a shit idea, and what happens after we solve science, and why we will always be a bit sad. If you were ever curious about my books, and you haven’t tried my bullshit yet – this might be the one, because I put a lot of love into these stories. Yeah, I know, “Where the fuck is Logic Beach Part 2”, almost no one is asking. It just wasn’t working, and it made me want to kill myself, and I’ll get around to it, but I didn’t want to just put out any old rubbish for the sake of it. Anyway, I have put one of the stories from The Fifth Science – the new book – up on my other channel, as read by me, in an attempt to get you interested. Link below, if you want. Obviously, thank you to everyone on Patreon. Like everything I do, it wouldn’t exist without you. You are fantastical, and thanks, and thanks, and thanks. I should have already sent the thing out to you for free, anyway. It should also be coming out shortly as a paperback, so that’s cool – I’ll let you know. Thanks for tolerating this shameless plug – I really just hope you like the book, because I had lots of fun writing this one. Благодаря ви, [Bulgarian – “Thank you”]
and thank you again, you bloody animals.

100 thoughts on “The Bridge Tongues

  1. 3:36 " 'Sorry' – That was, uh, another ancient word. Not even sure what that one means"
    1:45 "Sorry, is that a question at the back?"

  2. "Sometimes people saw fireworks and didn't feel the need to film them… Fucking idiots!" Hahahaha

  3. This may not be strongly related; however, this does remind me of Fahrenheit 451 which one of the main aspects of the book was the elimination of books because books do occasionally cause controversy along with other forms of media. In order to keep content, society had nearly erased literature, philosophy, and all the like as a whole.

  4. The proper level of discourse is to fling shit at eachother until something finally sticks and then proclaim victory.

  5. Foook me! (Not literary!) Are you some kind of time-traveller who is looking at modern society from the superior perspective of the future, and having a laugh at Petrol Monkies ???

  6. yea man but people would do the "we have to be nice so i'm right all the time and everyone who's against me is not being nice and has to be exterminated", or at least it's what extremist and not so extreme leftists and righters do.

  7. 5:13 that bleep did not work at all, I still heard the word perfectly, is it really that hard to just cut the word out

  8. Everything else is fine and all, but having an opinion is overrated, just saying it's your opinion doesn't mean anything, it CAN be stupid and you should be prepared to either defend your opinion , change it or fucking shut up

  9. Fun Fact: The word "sorry" does not exist in the Somali language, there's rarely ever a need to use it anyway but if someone wishes to say it for some reason, they would have to use the Arabic word for it.

  10. The dress is fucking white and gold. I've literally never seen it the other way without the pictures being side by side which means its bullshit.

  11. 6:03 – “please” yet another word that has been forgoten in the passage of time in ancient language it was use to be “polite” but we do not know the meaning of that word aswell so we just used the words to name a spice

  12. i read the fifth science, and also the prince of milk, and those two books helped me make my english a little better
    very good stories

  13. Yes, exurb1a. Being ‘nice’ to nazis, racists, misogynists and your horribly bigoted biologicals/shitty ‘friends’ for the sake of peaceful mealtimes and ‘fun’ is truly the path forward.

    Because the *problem*, of course, isn’t that these assholes are hateful, violent, ignorant, power-mongering amoral pieces of shit who are swiftly destroying the planet for the sake of their own egos/prejudice/whatever fool reason they can come up with. Oh no.

    The problem*, clearly, is that we’re not *nice enough to these pricks/don’t listen to their totally reasonable/rational/not-in-the-slightest wholly toxic/destructive/fucking genocidal ‘opinions’.

    Thank you so much for enlightening us with this totally revolutionary and not-at-all incredibly intellectually lazy/utterly morally bankrupt cliche. It’s certainly never been trotted out before and I’m sure this time it will fix everything.

  14. Oh I get it! This is a hilariously well written and ingenious Twitter/ Facebook/ Google/ insert blank social media the MSM etc throw it ALL in this great joke lmao.

  15. I have an issue with the line "I don't agree with your opinion, but it's fine that you have it." Because while that's fine for most things and most philosophy, what about things like global fucking warming? Where people say it doesn't exist and then you get to sit there looking at them as you realize we're all going to die not cold and alone but burnt to a crisp.

  16. Will you make an audio book of "the fifth science"?
    Not like I wouldn't have your gorgeous voice in my head anyways when I'd read it. 😉

  17. Hey, man.
    I love on your videos.
    The imagery, reality and creativy behind all you're videos would make a perfect book. Even transcribed into an anthology but I know you could tie alot of them together into something extraordinary and timeless.

    You're quite inspiring tbh. Thank you.

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